Your 16-year-old daughter falls for a divorcee of 36 and wants him to move in. Would you let him? Meet the parents who did
When Alison Garcia, 16, announced that she was leaving home to be with her 36-year-old lover, her parents could have been forgiven for hitting the roof. Instead, Sheila and Paul Garcia did something most other parents would find unthinkable. Last month, they invited divorced double-glazing fitter and father-of-one Craig Wright into their home, where he now shares a bedroom with their daughter.
According to 51-year-old Sheila, of Northfleet, Kent, who runs a yachting business with her 56-year-old husband, they had no choice in the matter. “What I didn't want was to back her into a corner by laying down the law and forcing her to choose between me and him,” she says. “She's always been a headstrong girl, and the more I say 'no', the more she'll say 'yes'.”
Of course, most parents would find it hard to stomach the idea that their 16-year-old daughter was having a sexual relationship with a 36-year-old man under their roof. And Sheila is no different. “I hate the thought of her sleeping with any man, because I think she is too young to understand the implications of a sexual relationship,” she says.
“But I know she is 16 and I can't stop her. If I don't take the softer approach I fear she will take off with Craig and cut ties with us. If I forbid it or attempt to ban her from seeing him, I risk losing my precious child”.
“Paul has managed to accept the situation far better than I have, because he believes we should let her make her own mistakes.”
Unsurprisingly, Alison is adamant that she knows best. Having got her own way with her parents, she is already dreaming of marriage and babies with her boyfriend of four months, despite being a drama student and also harbouring ambitions to travel the world as an actress.
Alison claims to be “very mature for my age” – something she says her lover told her not long after they met last October. “I'm not stupid,” she says stubbornly. “I know to the outside world such a huge age difference must seem weird and unnatural.
“My mum keeps saying it's a ridiculous phase and I'll grow out of it, but I won't.”
“My dad is much more laid-back. He takes the view that it's my life and I have to do what I want.”
“After all, I'm 16 and can make up my own mind. He recognises that I'm not a child any more, but my mum doesn't.”
Sheila, for her part, blames the situation on “society” and “the premature ageing and sexualisation of young people”. Rather more enlightening is her admission: “We took the liberal approach to bringing up our child.
“We treated her like a mini-adult all along, never taking the attitude that because she was a child we should treat her as less of an equal.”
But if anything, the experience of the Garcia family is a depressing reminder of the perils of modern parenting, where boundaries and guidelines are so often thrown out of the window and where allowing a child to do whatever they want is somehow seen as the action of a loving, trusting parent.
Alison met her middle-aged lover in a pub – despite being two years below the legal age for drinking alcohol. Her mother appears unaware that Craig was not her first, but her fourth lover.
“We don't talk about sex as such,” says Sheila.
“I know she's had sex education at school – but to my knowledge she wasn't sexually active before she met Craig. “I don't know what she gets up to in that respect now. I don't ask because I don't want to know the details.”
And the details of Alison's relationship with the man 20 years her senior certainly make uncomfortable reading. She met him at a Halloween party and “fell head over heels for him”. Her clichrecollections are typical of any romantic teen: “I thought he was gorgeous – tall, dark and handsome. We started chatting and there was an instant chemistry between us. He made me feel like I was the only person in the room.”
Alison admits she knew he was much older than her.
“The stubble on his chin made him look very different to the baby-faced school boys I'm used to – but I assumed he was about 25,” she says. He was funny and charming – a far cry from the boys my age I'd been used to dating. Your average 16 or 17-year-old boy is awkward, immature and only interested in impressing his mates, whereas Craig wasn't showing off or being silly.”
“It was such a nice change. I thought: 'If this is what older men are like then I want to date one'.”
The evening ended with what Alison describes as a “really special” kiss.
She gave him her mobile number and left at 1am – a rather late hour, it could be argued, for one so young. The following night, they met up in another local pub – again it seems that the youngster was entirely unsupervised by her parents. Wright bought her drinks, apparently unaware that he was breaking the law by doing so.
“I've been going to pubs for about a year now, even though my parents don't know about it,” claims Alison.
“I didn't want to tell Craig how young I was at first and blow my chances, so when he bought the drinks I didn't say anything.”
In fact, thanks to her heavily applied make-up and dressy clothes, Alison had fooled him.
“Craig didn't even think to question if I was under-age. I was worried that he might not want to go out with a girl who had just left school. I tried really hard to be mature.”
On their second date – again in the pub – Alison became “tipsy” and blurted out the truth.
She recalls: “Craig looked very shocked. He said: 'You're kidding. I thought you were at least 18.'”
“Then he told me he was 36 and I just fell off my chair.”
If Wright was shocked, he was not worried enough to call a halt to the relationship.
“Neither of us cared about the 20-year age gap,” gushes Alison.
“He just leaned in to give me another kiss. That night we sat down and told each other everything about our lives. He told me he was divorced and had a two-year-old daughter, but that didn't put me off at all. I thought it was so sweet that he was being so honest with me.”
Of course, having discovered she was only 16, most men would have walked away. Instead, the relationship became sexual a few days later.
Alison's description is heartbreakingly naive.
“He's the fourth guy I've been with, but the others were all inexperienced teenagers – boys I'd been going out with for a few months. It was very different with Craig. He knew exactly what he was doing. He told me how beautiful I was and made me feel really special and cared for.”
A few weeks later, Alison introduced Wright to her parents, and told them they wanted to rent a place together. In January, she asked them if her lover could move into the family home while they save up. Not surprisingly, Sheila was initially horrified at the prospect.
“My mum told me in no uncertain terms there was no way, because she's dead against us being together. But my dad managed to convince her that it was better for us to live there with them than move out into a flat that was not decent. I think they both want the best for me, so eventually Mum agreed.”
Sheila says: “When Alison first told us, I was shocked and obviously concerned, but I thought it was just a fling and had no future. But as time has gone on, I realise it's not going to fizzle out so quickly.”
She describes Wright as a “perfectly decent guy”, but adds: “What I can't understand is what a man of Craig's age sees in a girl who is so young. She can't possibly fulfil his emotional needs.He has had so much more life experience than Alison. She is just a child really, even if the law doesn't see it that way, and shouldn't be in a permanent relationship, let alone with a man of his age. Even though they are talking about getting a flat and she's mentioned her wish to marry him, I think, or at least fervently hope, that once the novelty wears off and she realises that committing to him will probably mean giving up her dreams of becoming an actress and travelling the world, she'll call it off.”
For the time being, while Alison's parents are too afraid to take her in hand, the tension in the Garcia household continues.
“When Craig's not at work we spend most of our time in my room,” says Alison.
“When he does speak to my mum they are both civil, which makes things easier.
“But it is a bit awkward when he bumps into my mum en route to the shower or when he's making a cup of tea. I wish my mum was more accepting of our relationship. I love her and don't want to alienate her, but she has to understand I'm with Craig now, and that's not going to change. I don't feel Craig and I are doing anything wrong.”
As for marriage, Alison appears set on pursuing the very path her mother is dreading.
“I think my mum worries that I'm settling down too early and wasting my life,” says the teenager.
“That will inevitably happen, because I do want to marry Craig and have kids, and he isn't getting any younger. I know this means I'll have to become a mum a bit earlier than most of my friends, but I don't think I'm throwing my life away because of it. I haven't met Craig's daughter yet, because she lives with her mother in Nottingham, but I'm sure I'll be a good stepmum.”
On the one hand, it is hard not to feel sorry for the Garcias, who have somehow become caught in this terrible situation, terrified of losing their only child. But on the other, the couple seem strangely reluctant to accept any responsibility for what is happening to their daughter, blaming “society” instead.
According to Sheila: “Girls no longer get a childhood past about the age of ten when they are asked to make choices on what lipstick to wear or what jeans to buy. It's a sad state of affairs, and one from which I fear there is no way back. It seems we have raised a generation of children who believe they can do whatever the hell they like, without worrying about the consequences.”
A critic might counter that it is often parents themselves who pass on such values to their children and then react with horror at the resulting behaviour.
But Sheila insists: “For now, all I can do is bite my tongue and hope I'm right about what I think the outcome of this will be.”
The problem is, of course, that there could be any number of outcomes – not least that her daughter could become pregnant.
“When it does end in tears, I'll be here to pick up the pieces. That's what mums do,” says Sheila.
“I want her to be able to come to me for support and advice. I don't want to take away that option by throwing her out or refusing to speak to her. I want to be able to communicate with Alison in the hope that if I do it subtly, eventually the message will get through.”
They are fine words indeed, but probably of little use to Alison, caught up in a world beyond her age and experience. In years to come, when she looks back on the events of the past few months, will she really thank her parents for giving her such a liberal upbringing?
My favourite quote: “But I know she is 16 and I can't stop her. If I don't take the softer approach I fear she will take off with Craig and cut ties with us. If I forbid it or attempt to ban her from seeing him, I risk losing my precious child”.
She's cute. He's creepy as hell with a bad haircut to boot.
