Month: July 2012

1. The Full Situp
To achieve the full situp, you must begin with the genuine intention of exercising your abs and promptly fall asleep midway through the task. This position is extremely advanced and not recommended for amateur sleepers.

2. The Awkward Spoon
The goal here is not so much intimacy as it is the socially uncomfortable sharing of a physical space with someone. Bonus points if your arm falls asleep but you’re too embarrassed to move it.

3. The Semicircle
Tuck your tail between your legs and imagine that you are an omelet.

4. The Sunbather
The trick is to look like someone who is acting comfortable whilst also appearing extremely uncomfortable. Let’s take this excellent opportunity to coin the term “meta-comfortable.”

5. The Double Bed
You will need a partner for this one. The goal is not so much comfort as an expression of sheer, unadulterated greed.

6. The Half-Box
Any old box will do, but two of your feet – preferably on opposite sides of your body – must remain outside the container at all times.

7. The Backstroker
Do not even attempt unless you have tiny, tiny, precious little legs.

8. The Sleeping Baby
Find a baby. Imitate the baby.

9. The Fur Pile
For this, you will need at least three friends who are not averse to your sleeping on them.

10. The Full-Box
Just get your whole damn body in there no matter what it takes. Be the box.

11. The Drunken Radiator
Just because you are obviously some kind of gin-addled hobo doesn’t mean you can’t be nice and warm.

12. The Sleeping Dog
Find a dog. Imitate the dog.

13. The Librarian
Bury your furry little head in your paws and try to look as contemplative and bookish as possible before drifting off.

14. The Ruler
Measure the floor with every inch of your tiny body.

15. The Windowsill
The whole world is your hammock.

16. The Clothes Dryer
Imagine that you are a wet T-shirt, fresh from the washing machine. Drape yourself accordingly.

17. The Pot Luck
Think of yourself as a last-minute fruit salad that everyone will be very polite about but probably not enjoy all that much.

18. The Head-Rush
Head to the ground, paws in the air – let gravity do the rest.

19. The Odd One Out
For this one you will need first to find two willing conformists.

20. The Mid-Sentence
Only recommended for individuals with extreme forms of narcolepsy.

21. The Bag Of Limbs (Box Edition)
Have a friend or loved one take you apart and put you back together haphazardly inside a box.

22. The Bag Of Limbs (Couch Edition)
Same as above, except (obviously) without the box.

23. The Dog Bed
Not a bed for dogs, but a bed that is made of dogs. I.e., the most comfortable bed you will ever sleep on that also smells kind of funky.

24. The Office Worker
Fall asleep on the job. LOL.

25. The Married Couple
Don’t be afraid to snore.

26. The Full Dog
For this, you will need a willing dog and preternatural sense of balance.

27. The Yin Yang
The Yin Yang sleeping position is two sides of the same coin – though you will need to decide with your partner which one of you is to be the evil one.

28. The Copykitten
Find a kitten. Imitate the kitten.

29. The Town Drunk
Alone or with a partner, this position is ideal for daytime sleeping, especially if you have already given up on pursuing a meaningful career.

30. The Window Dressing
It is easy to find the appropriate window, and easier still to adopt the appropriate posture for this sleeping position, but it will take years of practice to fully master the knowing, world-weary expression that is its most essential component.

31. The Reluctant Traveler
Tire yourself out asking whether we are “there yet,” then snore as loudly as possible.

32. The Pianist
Do not even consider attempting this unless you have a Steinway or (if you are desperate) a Mason & Hamlin.

33. Between Two Stools
Any old kitchen stools will do for this one, but it’s cheating to use paws, so make sure you have strong neck muscles!

34. The Clamp
Find a friend with a strong pair of thighs and get to work.

35. The Enthusiast
Find something to celebrate and then promptly lose interest.

36. The File Drawer
File yourself under either “C” for “Cat,” or “I” for “Idiot,” depending on the filing system in your home or office.

37. The Half-Handstand
You don’t need to be fully vertical for this one, but it’s very important that your back legs be pointing optimistically skyward.

38. The Disc Jockey
The shades will prevent people from knowing that you are asleep, but they won’t help in hiding the fact that you are kind of a douchebag.

39. The Porcelain God
This one is EXTREMELY ADVANCED. Do not attempt unless you have years of practice passing out in bathrooms.

40. The Surprise Package
Remember to act like you couldn’t possibly care less when someone opens the box and finds you inside.

41. The Tight Squeeze
You will have to become very good at ignoring all the haters who are like, “Now this box is definitely too small for you, Mr. Snugglypants.”

42. The Cliffhanger
Be sure to find a sleeping partner you can trust for this one, or you’ll end up as a big pile of fur underneath the chair.

43. The Guitarist
Do not even consider attempting this unless you have a Les Paul or (if you are desperate) a Fender.

44. The Bottom Drawer
Pretend you are a pair of stripey, furry, freshly laundered boxer shorts.

45. The CD Collection
Pretend you are a discarded and long-forgotten copy of Aerosmith’s 1993 smash “Get A Grip.”

46. The Cat Scan
Lie on your back and dream of being a perfect facsimile of yourself, crisp and warm from the output tray.

47. The Undercover Squirrel
Stay very still and think very hard about acorns.

48. The Narcoleptic Gymnast
For this one, you will need a lifelong dedication to the noble sport of gymnastics and a modest supply of Ambien.

49. Big Cat, Little Box
Do not let society constrain you with their antiquated ideas about “boundaries” and “things you really, genuinely can not fit into no matter how hard you try.”

50. The Full-Sink
Let the cool porcelain soothe your back as you dream contentedly about a houseful of people temporarily unable to brush their teeth.

Current Mood: Amused