Day: November 26, 2012

I was cleaning out some old emails when I came across these gems. Brilliant way to start a Monday morning. I seriously recommend you go clear out your inbox and see if you have some of these :)

> His and Hers diaries
>
> HER DIARY – January 13th, 2007
>
> Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar
> to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought
> he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
> Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
> could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was
> wrong – he said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was
> upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way
> home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t
> explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”
>
> When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
> with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and
> vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to
> bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
> still felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not
> take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation, but he had
> fallen asleep. I started crying, and cried until I also fell asleep. I don’t
> know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My
> life is a disaster.
>
> HIS DIARY
> Today Manchester United lost, but at least I got laid.

and this brilliant one (Thanks Alex!)

The Tandem Story

Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University. In-class Assignment for Wednesday “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.”

“The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

“The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca – last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted:”

STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

---

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

---

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth – when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she wondered wistfully.

---

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty!
Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”

---

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

---

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F—ING TEA??? Oh no, I’m an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

---

Asshole.

---

Bitch

---

F*CK YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!

---

Go drink some tea. Slut.

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(TEACHER) A+ – I really liked this one.

Current Mood: Amused