When I was working at the EBI, a former colleague introduced me to The Fast Show, a BBC comedy sketch show program that ran in the 90s. It was one of the most popular sketch shows of its time in the UK. The show’s central performers were Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day, Mark Williams, John Thomson, Arabella Weir and Caroline Aherne. One of its recurring characters was Rowley Birkin QC, played by Paul Whitehouse.
Sozzled, rambling old barrister, Rowley Birkin QC, sits in his chair and spins yarns of foreign adventures, mysterious women and exotic beasts, attended only by his equally ancient butler. During his nonsensical mutterings you can make out the occasional phrase – ‘took it off below the knee’… ‘a rather striking mustache’… ‘SNAKE, SNAKE!’… ‘Her husband had been entombed in ice. Like this.’… and of course, ‘I’m afraid that I was very, very drunk’.
“Johnny! Johnny Ludlow!” Hahaha… [rambles] …terrible flatulence… [rambles] …you see?… [rambles] …the whole thing was made completely out of rubber… [rambles; make bubbling noises] …in fact, we communicated the whole time with sign language… [rambles] …a rather striking moustache… [rambles] …wow! you see?… [rambles] …you know, you can actually drive one of those cars, on three wheels!… [rambles] …I’m afraid I was very drunk.
Cairo!… [emits a high pitch squeak; rambles] …very unstable, politically, pandimonium!… [rambles; then mimes pushing through tall grass and gestures above him] …a poisonous monkey… [rambles] …very small chaps, but immensely strong… [rambles] …hah! like that. It was a completely wasted journey… [rambles] …Snake! Snake! Aah! Brrr! Gin!… [rambles; mimes holding something] …lift the thing up, I didn’t know what to do… [rambles] …I made a dreadful hash of his arm, I really did… [rambles] …I freely admit, that I was very, very drunk.
Vast ice floes… [rambles] …there he was, staring at me, six foot eight if he was an inch… [rambles] …the whole thing was made out of matchsticks… [rambles] …I laugh now… [rambles] …image of a four star Nazi General, licking a lollipop… [rambles] …I was feeling a little liverish… [rambles] …he punched me right on the nose… [rambles] …I didn’t feel a thing, I’m afraid, I was very drunk.
It happens to every young man, I’m sure… [quietly rambles] …she was a really beautiful woman and I … [rambles] …she had a very long neck… …very intelligent… …really piercing eyes… …of course, the war came along… that was it really between us… …really beautiful song: la la la, I can’t remember anymore… …I was in absolute floods of tears… …it was very, very cold, and… …and I held her in my arms… [stares silently at the camera] …I’m afraid I was very drunk.
Bang!.. right up the arse… [coughy rambling] …now did I ever tell you what happened to me in nineteen hundred and [rambles] she was saddest woman… the tallest woman I’ve ever met… her husband had been entombed in ice, like this [mimes being stuck in ice, rambles] …we’d been cut off by a terrific snow storm… …extremely cold, and we were plunged in total darkness… [rambles] … we head what sounded like a child’s voice like this… mamma mamma mamma mamma mamma mamma… [rambles]… closer and closer it came… [rambles] … she arched her back and scuttled across the room like a giant spider… [rambles] … she opened her mouth to spit… [rambles, butler arrives with a drink]… bugger off… [rambles]… it may have been a ghost… [rambles]… I’m afraid I was very, very drunk at the time
At the time, I was still a… [rambles] …like a giant marshmallow… [rambles] …fingerless gloves, very sensual… [rambles] …just off St Alexander’s Square, you know, behind the chocolate shop… [rambles] …the head became completely detached… [rambles; makes bubbling noises] …we always felt like we were being watched, like that… [rambles] …I went completely cross-eyed… [crosses his eyes] …I can’t do it now… [rambles] …I mean, you must have been there, oh you must go, it’s quite, quite, quite, quite beautiful… [rambles] …lorry load of interesting cheeses… [rambles] …there is no art to find the minds construction of the face, mmm… [rambles] …and then they made their burrows in rotten wood… [rambles] …a face like a mad baboon and an arse to match… [rambles; moves his arms as if running] …shoot him, you fool!… …I didn’t hear any of it of course, I’m afraid, I was very, very drunk.
[rambles]… in Shanghai! Shanghai!… [rambles] …stamp out piracy… …I was quite flummoxed by an outrageous cat… [rambles] …it was a Chinese warlord by the name of … [rambles] …I’m a very considerate lover… [rambles] …the most interesting about them is that there’s a permanent tap to the gall bladder of these bears… [rambles] …it was swollen to twice its usual size… hahahahaha… the surgeon with sandy hair, obviously homosexual… [rambles] …but I liked him… [rambles] …took it off below the knee… [rambles] the schock like uuuuhhhh… …jabbering on and on, ha!, made no difference to me, I’m afraid I was very drunk.
[rambles]… lazy things in your brain… [rambles] …the women there are absolutely sex-mad… [rambles] …I managed to drain the wound into a tin cup… [rambles, mimes using a blow dart] …right there, right in the neck… [rambles] …pierced labia… [rambles] …by Jingo, I mean as I’d married three of them, haha… [rambles] …then they made me their chief… [rambles] …the witch doctor never liked me… he was forever burying his… [rambles] …I realized I made a terrible faux-pas in their culture, ohhh… [rambles] …I bluffed my way out… they chased me over several weeks… [rambles] …was very surprised they didn’t catch me because I was absolutely smashed on poisonous frogs.
[snoring] six breasts! … [rambles, snoring] … completely covered in hair… don’t point that thing at me, she said, and then she came… [rambles] …blew my head off… [rambles, snoring] …penicillin… [snoring]
[rambles, playing the piano]… absolutely incredible suction… [rambles, playing the piano] …yes, haha… [rambles, playing the piano] …have yourselves a merry little Christmas, let your… [rambles, playing the piano] …next year all our troubles will be out of sight… [rambles, playing the piano] …I think that she must have misheard me because she brought me a bucket full of ankles… [rambles, playing the piano] …Chestnuts roasting on a open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your… [rambles, playing the piano] …it takes me back to my time in Anchorage with Stevie Wonder… [rambles, playing the piano] …so I’m offering this simple phrase to kids from one to ninety-two. Although it’s been said, many times, many ways… [rambles, playing the piano] …ahahahahaha… [rambles, playing the piano] …Although it’s been said, many times, many ways, once you actually break through the crust, all that was left was this foul jelly… [rambles, playing the piano] …Although it’s been said, many times, many ways, I’m afraid I was very, very drunk.
2020 Covid Update!!!
