We’ve just finished putting away all the biscuits and chocolate that we got over Christmas. These are just the biscuits. The two-dozen or so bars of chocolate have been put in the freezer. It’s a bit mad…
Month: December 2019
Cards against humanity
Life goal achieved
#dateday
Has our first date day in a loooong time. Unfortunately, it started out with a frustrating 2h wait/argument at Barclays Bank to try and sort out a bank fuck-up on their part (still unresolved), but it finished with Wagamama and cocktails so it’s all good.
6 oz tomato juice
1 1/2 oz vodka
1 tsp wasabi paste (or less to taste)
1 tap balsamic vinegar
freshly ground black pepper and sea salt to taste
dash of hot sauce
ice
cucumber wedge and lime wedge for garnish
Also, random fox and gang signs :
A complex relationship
Dad (or Christmas cracker) jokes
I need a good set of them to turture granddad.
What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker
How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side!
What is the Grinch’s least favourite band?
The Who!
What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
St Nickerless
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost
Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
Jingle smells
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?
He felt his presents
Why did the Grinch go to Bargain Booze?
He was searching for some holiday spirit
What does Santa spend his wages on?
Jingle Bills
Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?
Little Wonkey
How can you tell if you are at a Brexit party this Christmas?
Because everyone wants to leave
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose
What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?
Twerky
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with
How will Brexit affect Christmas dinner?
No Brussels
Why is Mrs Claus always checking Santa’s phone?
He seems to know where all the naughty girls live
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph!
Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill?
The National Elf Service!
Why did Santa quit smoking?
Because it was bad for his elf
What’s Tarzan’s favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite
What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!
What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
Welfy!
What was the three wise men’s favourite Christmas carol?
Oh Camel, Ye Faithful
When is a Christmas dinner bad for your health?
When you’re the turkey…
What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap
Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen
What does Santa use to bake cakes?
Elf-raising flour
Why did the choir have to cancel their carol concert?
They caught tinsel-itis
What is the duck’s favourite Christmas carol?
In The Beak Midwinter
Christmas Dinner, done!
Mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, brussels, carrots, peas, cauliflower, broccoli, Yorkshire pudding, stuffing, turkey breast.
Turkey brine:
1/2 cup salt
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp grated ginger
2 tbsp fennel seeds
1 tsp peppercorns
1L water
Mix everything and bring to a boil. Cool down and dilute to 4L. Brine 1.5kg turkey breast overnight in the fridge.
[recipe] Classic German potato salad with warm bacon dressing
1.2 kg unpeeled baby red potatoes (no larger than 2-inches in diameter)
1 tbsp plus 1/2 tsp kosher salt, divided
4 slices thick-cut bacon (180g), diced
1 small yellow onion, diced
1 to 3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 tbsp white wine vinegar
1 tbsp granulated sugar
1 tbsp whole grain mustard
1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper
2 tbsp chopped fresh chives
1 tbsp chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley leaves
Place the potatoes and 1 tablespoon of the salt in a large saucepan. Cover by 1 inch with cool water, then bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to medium and simmer until the potatoes are easily pierced with a knife, 30 to 35 minutes. Meanwhile, cook the bacon.
Place the bacon in a large skillet over medium heat and cook until the fat begins to render, about 8 minutes. Add the onion and cook until the onion and bacon brown and the bacon is crisp, 13 to 15 minutes. Use a slotted spoon to transfer the bacon and onions to a paper towel-lined plate. Measure the remaining fat in the pan. If there is less than 3 tablespoons, add enough oil to equal 3 tablespoons.
Drain the cooked potatoes in a colander and rinse under cold water just until they are cool enough to handle. If desired, peel potatoes with your fingers or a vegetable peeler. Slice into 1/4-inch thick rounds and transfer to a large bowl.
Place the vinegar, sugar, mustard, pepper, remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt, and the bacon fat in a jar, cover, and shake to combine. Add the chives, parsley, bacon and onion mixture, and dressing to the sliced potatoes, toss, and set aside for 10 minutes. Serve warm or at room temperature.
[recipe] Hot Corn Casserole
2 tbsp (30g) unsalted butter
1 medium red bell pepper, cored, seeded, and diced
1/2 medium onion, diced
4 cups fresh or thawed frozen corn kernels
2 tsp sweet paprika
3/4 tsp kosher salt
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
115g cream cheese, cut into chunks and at room temperature
150g shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1/4 cup diced pickled jalapeños
2 green onions, green part only, thinly sliced
2 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro
Arrange a rack in the middle of the oven and heat to 350F/175C.
Melt the butter in a 9- or 10-inch cast iron skillet or oven-safe nonstick frying pan over medium heat. Add the bell pepper and onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until they just begin to soften, about 3 minutes. Stir in the corn, paprika, salt, and black pepper, and cook for 1 minute more.
Remove the skillet from the heat. Scatter the cream cheese, cheddar, pickled jalapeños, and green onions evenly over the corn and stir until all the cheese is thoroughly melted.
Bake until hot and bubbly, about 15 minutes. Top with the cilantro and serve warm.
Storage: Leftovers can be stored in a covered container in the refrigerator for up to 3 days.
[recipe] creamy fish chowder
115g slab bacon, sliced bacon, or salt pork, chopped
2 tbsp (30g) unsalted butter
1 large onion, finely chopped
4 celery stalks with leaves, finely chopped
Kosher salt, freshly ground pepper
2 large Yukon Gold potatoes (about 500g), peeled, cut into 1/2″ pieces
250ml clam juice or fish broth
1 tbsp fresh thyme leaves
750g skinless cod or haddock fillets, cut into 2″ pieces
1L half-and-half
Cook bacon in a large Dutch oven or other heavy pot over medium heat, stirring often, until brown but not crisp, 8–10 minutes. Transfer bacon with a slotted spoon to paper towels.
Add butter, onion, and celery to drippings in pot; season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until onion and celery are soft, 5–8 minutes.
Add potatoes, clam juice, thyme, and 1 cup water. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer until potatoes are tender, 10–15 minutes.
Season fish with salt and pepper and place on top of potatoes. Cover pot and cook (liquid should be barely simmering at this point) until fish is opaque throughout, 5–7 minutes (thicker pieces will take longer to cook). Add half-and-half and return to a simmer (at this point, fish will break into smaller pieces); season with salt and pepper just before serving.
DO AHEAD: Chowder can be made 2 days ahead. Let cool; cover and chill.