The bond between a man and his owl is complex and can’t readily be explained. But that’s OK, because it doesn’t need to be.
Day: December 25, 2019
Dad (or Christmas cracker) jokes
I need a good set of them to turture granddad.
What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker
How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side!
What is the Grinch’s least favourite band?
The Who!
What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
St Nickerless
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost
Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
Jingle smells
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?
He felt his presents
Why did the Grinch go to Bargain Booze?
He was searching for some holiday spirit
What does Santa spend his wages on?
Jingle Bills
Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?
Little Wonkey
How can you tell if you are at a Brexit party this Christmas?
Because everyone wants to leave
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose
What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?
Twerky
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with
How will Brexit affect Christmas dinner?
No Brussels
Why is Mrs Claus always checking Santa’s phone?
He seems to know where all the naughty girls live
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph!
Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill?
The National Elf Service!
Why did Santa quit smoking?
Because it was bad for his elf
What’s Tarzan’s favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite
What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!
What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
Welfy!
What was the three wise men’s favourite Christmas carol?
Oh Camel, Ye Faithful
When is a Christmas dinner bad for your health?
When you’re the turkey…
What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap
Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen
What does Santa use to bake cakes?
Elf-raising flour
Why did the choir have to cancel their carol concert?
They caught tinsel-itis
What is the duck’s favourite Christmas carol?
In The Beak Midwinter
Christmas Dinner, done!
Mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, brussels, carrots, peas, cauliflower, broccoli, Yorkshire pudding, stuffing, turkey breast.
Turkey brine:
1/2 cup salt
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp grated ginger
2 tbsp fennel seeds
1 tsp peppercorns
1L water
Mix everything and bring to a boil. Cool down and dilute to 4L. Brine 1.5kg turkey breast overnight in the fridge.
[recipe] Classic German potato salad with warm bacon dressing
1.2 kg unpeeled baby red potatoes (no larger than 2-inches in diameter)
1 tbsp plus 1/2 tsp kosher salt, divided
4 slices thick-cut bacon (180g), diced
1 small yellow onion, diced
1 to 3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 tbsp white wine vinegar
1 tbsp granulated sugar
1 tbsp whole grain mustard
1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper
2 tbsp chopped fresh chives
1 tbsp chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley leaves
Place the potatoes and 1 tablespoon of the salt in a large saucepan. Cover by 1 inch with cool water, then bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to medium and simmer until the potatoes are easily pierced with a knife, 30 to 35 minutes. Meanwhile, cook the bacon.
Place the bacon in a large skillet over medium heat and cook until the fat begins to render, about 8 minutes. Add the onion and cook until the onion and bacon brown and the bacon is crisp, 13 to 15 minutes. Use a slotted spoon to transfer the bacon and onions to a paper towel-lined plate. Measure the remaining fat in the pan. If there is less than 3 tablespoons, add enough oil to equal 3 tablespoons.
Drain the cooked potatoes in a colander and rinse under cold water just until they are cool enough to handle. If desired, peel potatoes with your fingers or a vegetable peeler. Slice into 1/4-inch thick rounds and transfer to a large bowl.
Place the vinegar, sugar, mustard, pepper, remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt, and the bacon fat in a jar, cover, and shake to combine. Add the chives, parsley, bacon and onion mixture, and dressing to the sliced potatoes, toss, and set aside for 10 minutes. Serve warm or at room temperature.
[recipe] Hot Corn Casserole
2 tbsp (30g) unsalted butter
1 medium red bell pepper, cored, seeded, and diced
1/2 medium onion, diced
4 cups fresh or thawed frozen corn kernels
2 tsp sweet paprika
3/4 tsp kosher salt
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
115g cream cheese, cut into chunks and at room temperature
150g shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1/4 cup diced pickled jalapeños
2 green onions, green part only, thinly sliced
2 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro
Arrange a rack in the middle of the oven and heat to 350F/175C.
Melt the butter in a 9- or 10-inch cast iron skillet or oven-safe nonstick frying pan over medium heat. Add the bell pepper and onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until they just begin to soften, about 3 minutes. Stir in the corn, paprika, salt, and black pepper, and cook for 1 minute more.
Remove the skillet from the heat. Scatter the cream cheese, cheddar, pickled jalapeños, and green onions evenly over the corn and stir until all the cheese is thoroughly melted.
Bake until hot and bubbly, about 15 minutes. Top with the cilantro and serve warm.
Storage: Leftovers can be stored in a covered container in the refrigerator for up to 3 days.
[recipe] creamy fish chowder
115g slab bacon, sliced bacon, or salt pork, chopped
2 tbsp (30g) unsalted butter
1 large onion, finely chopped
4 celery stalks with leaves, finely chopped
Kosher salt, freshly ground pepper
2 large Yukon Gold potatoes (about 500g), peeled, cut into 1/2″ pieces
250ml clam juice or fish broth
1 tbsp fresh thyme leaves
750g skinless cod or haddock fillets, cut into 2″ pieces
1L half-and-half
Cook bacon in a large Dutch oven or other heavy pot over medium heat, stirring often, until brown but not crisp, 8–10 minutes. Transfer bacon with a slotted spoon to paper towels.
Add butter, onion, and celery to drippings in pot; season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until onion and celery are soft, 5–8 minutes.
Add potatoes, clam juice, thyme, and 1 cup water. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer until potatoes are tender, 10–15 minutes.
Season fish with salt and pepper and place on top of potatoes. Cover pot and cook (liquid should be barely simmering at this point) until fish is opaque throughout, 5–7 minutes (thicker pieces will take longer to cook). Add half-and-half and return to a simmer (at this point, fish will break into smaller pieces); season with salt and pepper just before serving.
DO AHEAD: Chowder can be made 2 days ahead. Let cool; cover and chill.
I think someone’s trying to send a message
[recipe] Cinnamon rolls
Dough
4 large eggs, room temperature
3/4 cup whole milk, warm
1/4 cup honey
4 cups (570g) all-purpose flour
2 1/4 tsp instant yeast
2 tsp salt
10 tbsp (145g) unsalted butter, room temperature, cut into 1-inch pieces
Filling
1/2 cup (100g) packed brown sugar
1 tbsp ground cinnamon
Pinch salt
2 tbsp (30g) unsalted butter, melted and cooled
Icing
8 tbsp (115g) unsalted butter, room temperature
4 ounces (115g) cream cheese, room temperature
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup (115g) confectioners’ sugar
For the dough
Grease a large bowl.
In a large liquid measuring cup, combine the eggs, milk, and honey.
In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle, mix the flour, yeast, and salt and stir on low to combine. Add the egg mixture and mix on low to combine. With the mixer on low, add the butter, one piece at a time. When all the butter has been added, increase the speed to medium and beat the butter into the dough, until all the little butter pieces are incorporated, 1 minute. Transfer the dough to the prepared bowl. The dough will be very sticky and you will need a spatula to scrape the dough into the bowl.
Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let rise for 30 minutes. Place your fingers or a spatula underneath the dough and gently pull the dough up and fold it back over itself. Turn the bowl and repeat this folding again. Continue 6 to 8 more times, until all the dough has been folded over on itself.
Re-cover the bowl with plastic and let rise for 30 minutes. Repeat this series of folding 3 more times, for a rise time of 2 hours and a total of 4 foldings. Tightly cover the bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight or up to 72 hours.
To Assemble
Flour a work surface and knead the sweet dough 10 to 12 times. Shape the dough into a ball, cover the top lightly with flour, and if your dough has been refrigerated, cover with a tea towel and let come to room temperature.
Grease a 9×13-inch pan; if desired, line with parchment paper (this makes for easier cleanup).
In a small bowl, mix the brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt.
Roll the dough into a 16 by 12-inch rectangle. Brush the dough with the melted butter and sprinkle the cinnamon-sugar mixture evenly over the top, pressing it lightly into the butter so it adheres. Starting at a long side, roll the dough into a tight cylinder. Pinch the seam gently to seal it and position the dough seam side down. Use scissors or a sharp knife to cut the dough into 12-equal pieces. Transfer the pieces to the prepared pan and place them cut side up. Cover them loosely with plastic and refrigerate overnight or for up to 18 hours. When ready to bake, preheat the oven, and let the rolls sit at room temperature (still covered in plastic) for 30-45 minutes.
Adjust an oven rack to the middle position. Preheat the oven to 350F (180C). Remove the plastic and bake 27 to 32 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through, until the rolls are golden brown. While the rolls are baking, prepare the icing.
Transfer the pan to a wire rack and let cool for 5 minutes. Using an offset spatula or table knife, apply a thin layer of the cream cheese icing, using about one-third of the mixture. Let the rolls cool for another 15 to 20 minutes. Top with the rest of the icing and serve.
For the icing
In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle, beat the butter and cream cheese on medium until smooth and creamy. Add the vanilla and salt and mix on low to combine. Add the confectioners’ sugar and mix on low until combined. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and mix on medium until the icing is light and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes.