I need a good set of them to turture granddad.
What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker
How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side!
What is the Grinch’s least favourite band?
The Who!
What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
St Nickerless
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost
Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
Jingle smells
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?
He felt his presents
Why did the Grinch go to Bargain Booze?
He was searching for some holiday spirit
What does Santa spend his wages on?
Jingle Bills
Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?
Little Wonkey
How can you tell if you are at a Brexit party this Christmas?
Because everyone wants to leave
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose
What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?
Twerky
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with
How will Brexit affect Christmas dinner?
No Brussels
Why is Mrs Claus always checking Santa’s phone?
He seems to know where all the naughty girls live
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph!
Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill?
The National Elf Service!
Why did Santa quit smoking?
Because it was bad for his elf
What’s Tarzan’s favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite
What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!
What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
Welfy!
What was the three wise men’s favourite Christmas carol?
Oh Camel, Ye Faithful
When is a Christmas dinner bad for your health?
When you’re the turkey…
What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap
Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen
What does Santa use to bake cakes?
Elf-raising flour
Why did the choir have to cancel their carol concert?
They caught tinsel-itis
What is the duck’s favourite Christmas carol?
In The Beak Midwinter