Author: admin

Splungerrific:
	how was the party? 
Rc:
	harsh 
Splungerrific:
	how so? 
Rc:
	man, I'm surprised how functional I am this morning 
Splungerrific:
	it's afternoon, lazy ass 
Rc:
	I drank a bottle of scotch last night 
Rc:
	went to bed at 6am 
Splungerrific:
	ooooh.. good job, and you didn't die 
Rc:
	got up at 11 
Rc:
	hangover free! 
Splungerrific:
	wow, congrats 
Rc:
	truly, I'm amazed! 
Splungerrific:
	so... any cuties at this party? 
Rc:
	nah 
Rc:
	well, I mean, yes 
Rc:
	but no availabilities 
Splungerrific:
	oh pooh, that sucks  
Rc:
	still, had fun though 
Splungerrific:
	that's good 

INSTRUCTIONS TO EVERYTHING

1. Welcome!

2. Spell out your full name, surname first. Fill in the circles completely with a No. 2 pencil. Make sure your marks are heavy and dark.

3. Enter your five-digit pin number. If you do not own a touch-tone phone, hold for operator assistance. If you do not hear an alarm within sixty seconds, force the door open. If the door wont open, try closing it first.

4. Insert tab A into slot 6. Color in any space marked “3” with cornflower blue. Do not put all your eggs in one (1) basket. Do not pound square pegs into round holes. Guide them in gently. Think outside the box. Then fill in boxes 7a(a)-7a(c) with your age, address, and conception of the afterlife.

5. Think, write, revise. Lather, rinse, repeat. Before you begin assembly, locate the fissile isotope plutonium-239. Determine its expiration date, then predetermine your own.

6. Check at least once a month, perhaps in the shower. Search carefully for a hard, pea-size growth. Remove the hard drive with a flathead screwdriver. Phillips-head screwdrivers are awkward tools and untrustworthy lovers, like the Danish.

7. To avoid the appearance of sexist language in your writing, try to pluralize, stylize, or just tell lies. Always replace “he” with “he or she.” Also replace “she” with “he or she,” unless preceded by the phrase “he or.”

8. If you are travelling with a child under the age of twelve, strap your oxygen mask to your face first, then put your childs oxygen mask on your face. If your oxygen supply runs low, photosynthesize. If you experience technical difficulties, weep softly, with prudence. When finished, configure the plutonium-239 into a small “pit” packed with explosives. This pit will compress symmetrically into a supercritical mass when detonated. Be careful not to apply this product, or yourself, in high humidity or at abnormal altitudes.

9. Just say “No!” If you speak Spanish, say ”

10. Take a deep breath. Think about slowly moving clouds that are white, like wedding dresses and Deborahs legs in the rain. Dont worry about shark attacks, terror attacks, or the inheritance tax.

11. Do not stare directly at the sun. Do not exceed the recommended dosage of anything, except Vitamin C and meaningful emotional contact.

12. In the rare event that a mature adult of the human species confronts you, stretch your arms above your head to make yourself as tall as possible. Shout strong commands with a strong, commanding shout. If you are assaulted, fall down and play dead. Do not play dead for more than seventy-two hours, or you will die.

13. Pause. Pause again.

14. Insert your card into the machine and determine if you are happy or sad. If you are unsure, ask a loved one, but the likely answer is a combination of four to six numerals. Make sure to refrigerate after opening. A sulfurous, or “rotten egg,” smell is a sign that something is wrong. Notify transit authorities.

15. Take a moment to ease your mind, stretch your legs, and exercise your Second Amendment rights. Review your work thus far. Is this the best you can do? Why wont you settle down and grow up? Why must you constantly confuse ranch dressing and Russian dressing? Why did Deborah wait through twelve years of marriage before leaving to pursue her career as an office temp?

16. Seventeen syllables is a haiku. Eighteen syllables is an unauthorized withdrawal of company resources and will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

17. Studies show that Monday afternoons are optimal. Engage the employee in a room near his desk. Compliment his kinfolk and establish a light, collegial atmosphere with an icebreaker – perhaps a gender-sensitive joke about mulatto children. Use positive inflection and never say the words “youre fired.” Talk about company cutbacks. Talk about hope, about faith, about weather cycles, about anything other than testicular cancer and corporate liability. Call the employee “a real trouper.” If he or she looks sad, talk about sports. Everybody likes sports. Except, of course, golf.

18. If the one who is “it” touches you, you are now “it.”

19. The addition of tritium will boost fissile power. Now that the plutonium is properly packed, the device is functional. Carefully consider other dieting options before starting a thermonuclear war or ending a thermonuclear peace. Remember, violence is not an alternative. Violence is not an answer. Unless the question is “What is an eight-letter word for something painful that is neither an alternative nor an answer?”

20. Be mindful that bees smell fear but not toxic chemical defoliants. Humans, like most life-forms (lobsters, lichen), can smell neither. God can smell both fear and defoliants, because God is all-smelling. If only Deborahs orthodox Lutheran upbringing hadnt closed her mind to this revelation, widening the schism between us. If only she could have diverted her energies from stapling and faxing to refreshing the stagnant adolescence of our marriage. If only she werent Danish.

21. No, no! Refrigerate after opening!

22. Put your left leg in.

23. Take your left leg out.

24. Put your left leg in:

a. Shake it all about. If you experience feelings of “warmth,” “uncontrollable laughter,” or “death,” the process is operating properly.

b. Bathe, floss, and move your bowels daily. Do not fall in love this often.

25. That is all.

I Am A: Chaotic Good Dwarf Thief Bard

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Dwarves are short and stout, and easily recognizable by their well-cared-for beards. They are hard workers, and adept at stonework and engineering. They tend to live apart from other races; generally in deep, underground excavated systems, and as such tend to be distant from other races.

Primary Class:
Thieves are the most roguish of the classes. They are sneaky and nimble-fingered, and have skills with traps and locks. While not all use these skills for burglary, that is a common occupation of this class.

Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan (e-mail)

do you worry that you're not liked
how long till you break
you're happy cause you smile
but how much can you fake
an ordinary boy an ordinary name
but ordinary's just not good enough today
        …Superman's dead, by Our Lady Peace

http://www.happytreefriends.com/ – Cute and disturbing, just like some people I know.

I didn't remember that the roach song was in my playlist. You can hear it here. That song will always remind me of Michel's apartment in Toronto, where we pissed ourselves laughing at that horrendously bad movie.

I was talking with Michel over a beer tonight, and he commented that I'm frequenting some interesting people these days. He also pointed out the following fact. Basically, there's a high preponderance of my female friends who are gay or bi, who have been or are going to australia and who are insane to some extent. I could only agree, but since I like these people, it's all good.

Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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congratulations. you are the “you smell like
butt” bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.

which happy bunny are you?
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E.T.!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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Fudged in the Head

What Type of Lunatic are You?
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I was in the bathroom of a nice restaurant for lunch today. It's quite a nice bathroom, actually, with nice stonework and it's always kept clean. Anyway, I notice a graffiti on the walls of a stall: “this is a clean bathroom”… I mean, come on. Whoever wrote that deserves a short, sharp kick to the head…

M'tired today. I didn't sleep well, but I blame having dinner at midnight and going to bed shortly after. I had a string of disturbing dreams; one was especially disturbing. I can't really accurately describe it, but the imagery was not nice.

Went to see The Last Samourai last night with eniran. I quite enjoyed the movie, even though there was an annoying love interest subplot that could well have not been there for all I cared. To give the movie credit though, it doesn't become too annoying. I'm probably going to buy it on DVD, so that should tell you I liked it. The vistas are beautiful though. I want to see Japan someday.

Anyway, break's over, back to work.

I had dinner with Hyde_grrl tonight. Homemade nachos, with me mom's salsa sauce and sour cream. Yummy! The little bottle of Cline cellar's Syrah also went down nicely. I hadn't seen her in a long time, so we spent the night chatting and catching up. I had a very nice evening. She liked the stuff I brought her back from Alcatraz, which made me happy. Good company, good food, good booze, a fireplace and a fat-assed cat that grew to like me. You can't ask for more in life.

I need to change my music listening habits.

Starting from now until further notice, the following artists are off my playlist:

Peter Gabriel
Sting
Creed
Staind
Tea Party
Coldplay

Their music is good, but there's a context associated with them that just depresses the shit out of me.

Anybody have suggestions?