The beaver is a proud and noble animal
Notes from a bemused canuck
The cats have taken to sleeping on opposite ends of the window sill in our bedroom these days. This is odd, because they usually tend to sleep in different rooms. Who can understand what goes on in the mind of a cat though…
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Current Mood:
Amused & 
Blank
1. The Full Situp
To achieve the full situp, you must begin with the genuine intention of exercising your abs and promptly fall asleep midway through the task. This position is extremely advanced and not recommended for amateur sleepers.
2. The Awkward Spoon
The goal here is not so much intimacy as it is the socially uncomfortable sharing of a physical space with someone. Bonus points if your arm falls asleep but you’re too embarrassed to move it.
3. The Semicircle
Tuck your tail between your legs and imagine that you are an omelet.
4. The Sunbather
The trick is to look like someone who is acting comfortable whilst also appearing extremely uncomfortable. Let’s take this excellent opportunity to coin the term “meta-comfortable.”
5. The Double Bed
You will need a partner for this one. The goal is not so much comfort as an expression of sheer, unadulterated greed.
6. The Half-Box
Any old box will do, but two of your feet – preferably on opposite sides of your body – must remain outside the container at all times.
7. The Backstroker
Do not even attempt unless you have tiny, tiny, precious little legs.
8. The Sleeping Baby
Find a baby. Imitate the baby.
9. The Fur Pile
For this, you will need at least three friends who are not averse to your sleeping on them.
10. The Full-Box
Just get your whole damn body in there no matter what it takes. Be the box.
11. The Drunken Radiator
Just because you are obviously some kind of gin-addled hobo doesn’t mean you can’t be nice and warm.
12. The Sleeping Dog
Find a dog. Imitate the dog.
13. The Librarian
Bury your furry little head in your paws and try to look as contemplative and bookish as possible before drifting off.
14. The Ruler
Measure the floor with every inch of your tiny body.
15. The Windowsill
The whole world is your hammock.
16. The Clothes Dryer
Imagine that you are a wet T-shirt, fresh from the washing machine. Drape yourself accordingly.
17. The Pot Luck
Think of yourself as a last-minute fruit salad that everyone will be very polite about but probably not enjoy all that much.
18. The Head-Rush
Head to the ground, paws in the air – let gravity do the rest.
19. The Odd One Out
For this one you will need first to find two willing conformists.
20. The Mid-Sentence
Only recommended for individuals with extreme forms of narcolepsy.
21. The Bag Of Limbs (Box Edition)
Have a friend or loved one take you apart and put you back together haphazardly inside a box.
22. The Bag Of Limbs (Couch Edition)
Same as above, except (obviously) without the box.
23. The Dog Bed
Not a bed for dogs, but a bed that is made of dogs. I.e., the most comfortable bed you will ever sleep on that also smells kind of funky.
24. The Office Worker
Fall asleep on the job. LOL.
25. The Married Couple
Don’t be afraid to snore.
26. The Full Dog
For this, you will need a willing dog and preternatural sense of balance.
27. The Yin Yang
The Yin Yang sleeping position is two sides of the same coin – though you will need to decide with your partner which one of you is to be the evil one.
28. The Copykitten
Find a kitten. Imitate the kitten.
29. The Town Drunk
Alone or with a partner, this position is ideal for daytime sleeping, especially if you have already given up on pursuing a meaningful career.
30. The Window Dressing
It is easy to find the appropriate window, and easier still to adopt the appropriate posture for this sleeping position, but it will take years of practice to fully master the knowing, world-weary expression that is its most essential component.
31. The Reluctant Traveler
Tire yourself out asking whether we are “there yet,” then snore as loudly as possible.
32. The Pianist
Do not even consider attempting this unless you have a Steinway or (if you are desperate) a Mason & Hamlin.
33. Between Two Stools
Any old kitchen stools will do for this one, but it’s cheating to use paws, so make sure you have strong neck muscles!
34. The Clamp
Find a friend with a strong pair of thighs and get to work.
35. The Enthusiast
Find something to celebrate and then promptly lose interest.
36. The File Drawer
File yourself under either “C” for “Cat,” or “I” for “Idiot,” depending on the filing system in your home or office.
37. The Half-Handstand
You don’t need to be fully vertical for this one, but it’s very important that your back legs be pointing optimistically skyward.
38. The Disc Jockey
The shades will prevent people from knowing that you are asleep, but they won’t help in hiding the fact that you are kind of a douchebag.
39. The Porcelain God
This one is EXTREMELY ADVANCED. Do not attempt unless you have years of practice passing out in bathrooms.
40. The Surprise Package
Remember to act like you couldn’t possibly care less when someone opens the box and finds you inside.
41. The Tight Squeeze
You will have to become very good at ignoring all the haters who are like, “Now this box is definitely too small for you, Mr. Snugglypants.”
42. The Cliffhanger
Be sure to find a sleeping partner you can trust for this one, or you’ll end up as a big pile of fur underneath the chair.
43. The Guitarist
Do not even consider attempting this unless you have a Les Paul or (if you are desperate) a Fender.
44. The Bottom Drawer
Pretend you are a pair of stripey, furry, freshly laundered boxer shorts.
45. The CD Collection
Pretend you are a discarded and long-forgotten copy of Aerosmith’s 1993 smash “Get A Grip.”
46. The Cat Scan
Lie on your back and dream of being a perfect facsimile of yourself, crisp and warm from the output tray.
47. The Undercover Squirrel
Stay very still and think very hard about acorns.
48. The Narcoleptic Gymnast
For this one, you will need a lifelong dedication to the noble sport of gymnastics and a modest supply of Ambien.
49. Big Cat, Little Box
Do not let society constrain you with their antiquated ideas about “boundaries” and “things you really, genuinely can not fit into no matter how hard you try.”
50. The Full-Sink
Let the cool porcelain soothe your back as you dream contentedly about a houseful of people temporarily unable to brush their teeth.
Current Mood: Amused
For the first time ever, I haven’t closed the toilet lid right after going to the loo. So, of course, tonight is the time that Tolstoy jumps and falls straight into the toilet.
Ever since we had Tolstoy shaved, yet again, he always spends the night on Bean’s bed. He won’t go near the Beastie during the day, but it’s impossible to get him out of that room at night.
Good news: the electrician fixed all of the remedial work that needed doing.
Bad news: the RCD still keeps tripping.
Good news: the electrician has some suggestions we can try to help isolate the cause of the very intermittent problem.
Bad news: the suggestions doesn’t help the fact that the RCD tripped over the weekend, when we were in Leicester, and half our freezer defrosted.
Good news: we’re going to get the windows and doors replaced.
Bad news: it’s going to cost £4000.
Good news: it’s not as much as I feared, and we’re getting nice stuff.
Bad news: Natwest are being bastards about extending our existing loan.
Good news: My credit score is still classed as good, and we’ve found alternate means of financing, so screw you Natwest.
Good news: the cats are doing well and don’t seem too bothered about the heat.
Bad news: they feel well enough that they caught and ate a bird, inside the house, while we were away.
Good news: Katy’s going to reduce her hours so that she doesn’t feel as crappy and tired all the time
Bad news: Katy’s still feeling tired and crappy all the time.
We had the in-laws over last weekend, for Father’s day. We went into Cambridge on Saturday morning to run some errands and had BBQ’ed fajitas for dinner that night. On Sunday, we went to Scottsdales for lunch and then we spent the afternoon building a rabbit hutch so that Katy can finally fix her rabbit jones. While Katy and I were building the hutch, Mel was indulging his inner barbarian by mulching up all of the trimmed trees, bushes and shrubs that have been accumulating on the side of the shed.
Is it really bad that we’re getting Bean hooked on frappucinos before he’s even 3?
Reen-pig was being her normal gorgeous self, totally exhausted by the effort of maintaining appearances.
The swing got some good action that weekend.
On Saturday, while we were in town, I completely forgot to take my happy pill. I paid dearly for that slip of the mind on Sunday when I took that day’s tabled. Jeebus. My head wouldn’t stop spinning and my mood crashed like nobody’s business. The good news is that it went away just as fast as it came on while I was playing with the parrots and then feeding the Koi in the aquatic section of the garden centre. Still, I hope that’s not a sign of things to come when the time comes to go off the tablets.
Current Mood:
Contemplative
Good news, Tolstoy is past cage rest and has been running around the house for the past few days and seems to be a lot better for it. Both cats were beating the stuffing out of each other while they were roughhousing last night, so things are getting back to normal.
Bad news, we had to give Annie back to the breeder. She wasn’t settling down well – she was quite jumpy and wasn’t coping well with Ben. She growled at him on a few occasions, mostly when she was trying to sleep and Bean wouldn’t let her be. It wasn’t really her fault, but it’s hard to explain things to a two year old. We tried, we really did, but the final strike against her staying was when she peed in the house in front of Tolstoy’s cage and then snapped at Katy when she tried to get her off the couch to put her outside. If Annie wasn’t going to respect the pecking order with Katy, she probably wouldn’t either with Bean, and that’s a risk we weren’t willing to take. It was the right decision to do, for the right reasons, but it still sucks. If Bean has been a bit older, things probably would have gone much more smoothly but live and learn. We’re going to try again when Bean is a bit older, and this time we’ll get a puppy, so that way it’ll know its place from the start. Jane, the breeder, was really understanding and good about it. She was disappointed – we all were – because all this acting out is out of character for Annie. Still, we weren’t comfortable with the situation anymore. It would only take one wrong moment for something regrettable to happen and it’s not worth the risk.
Speaking of Bean, he seems to be getting over his cold and is getting his appetite back. This is good. He’s also becoming a pain in the ass with all the tantrums. This is less good. Hopefully, this too shall pass. He’s getting bigger – and heavy to carry on my shoulders for the bus in the mornings. We bought him some bigger clothes and we got some new dig dig curtains and wall canvases for his room from Next (courtesy of a bank transfer from my mom).
It’s Easter weekend, and the folks are here. Mel and Katy are currently outside assembling parts of the slide/swing set we bought Bean for xmas. Things seem to be going well, but I’m sure they’d go even better if there was light out.
I treated myself today and made chicken wings. They were really nice, but they’re a damn pain in the ass to make. There’s a reason why I only break out the deep fryer once or twice a year. I also made shish-kebabs with marinated pork loin, peppers and mushrooms on the BBQ. Very nice! It reminded me of all the times I went to Alouette Steak House with Michel when I still in Montreal. The good news is that the pork loins were going for cheap at Tesco so I bought two. I just need to get some more skewers and a new bottle of gas and we’re good to BBQ again. That’s mainly the plan for this weekend. Cook. Eat. Build Swing. Cook. Eat. Paint Fence. Cook. Eat. Eat. Eat. Toss in lots of drinking in there as well and a side-trip to Scottsdales and it should hopefully be a nice weekend, if the weather cooperates.
Current Mood:
Full
Katy brought Annie home today, so we are now dog owners. Let the second-guessing, have-we-done-something-stupid worrying begin :)
She’s had some food and some water, had a bit of a sniff of the garden, but we’re a long way off a harmonious household because the cats seem very unimpressed and Bean hasn’t seen her yet.
Hopefully things will settle down bit by bit with not too much fuss. Watch this space :)
Tolstoy’s vet bill so far is over 1300 quid, and he hasn’t even been operated on yet. Shudder to think what the final bill will be…
We thought long and hard and we’ve asked the breeder if we can adopt Annie.
It might be a few days of fun while everybody, especially the cats, get used to each other but we think we’re up for the challenge. She’s a really gorgeous girl and she seems very sweet-natured. Hopefully all will go well. Watch this space.
Current Mood:
Giddy